We’ve been a very bad company. There are a lot of things that go into making the complicated “sausage” of SalesLogix, and we haven’t been disclosing that information. It reflects poorly on us as individuals and as an enterprise. Speaking on behalf of my fellows and for myself, I’d like to set the record straight. These are the real things you wanted to know about SalesLogix, and deserved to know, but probably were too afraid to ask. The truth must come out.
So, are you guys really in Scottsdale?
No, I’m afraid that is a very clever ruse. Technically easy to accomplish, what with telcom technologies being what they are. We’re actually based in Narrenschiff, Lichtenstein.
But I’ve been out to Scottsdale! I’ve talked to you guys!
Another well planned deception. For a relatively low cost, we can rent office space for a few days, set up the cubicles, and hire local actors who sound like us. The actors are the cheapest part, really. It’s a tough economy everywhere. And actors will do anything on the promise of free food. Literally anything.
It’s a logical consequence of the outsourcing trend. For years, it’s been moving west from California. First India, then the Balkans, and now Lichtenstein. It was a win-win for everybody, really. The company got cheap labor and Lichtenstein has a newly applied veneer of respectability. Admittedly, it’s a thin veneer. There’ve been enough sketchy deals going on here before we showed up, we didn’t figure anybody would notice.
What kind of “sketchy deals” are we talking about here?
The sale to the Pirate Party was actually pretty legit, a cushy government contract. The sale to the Pirate Bay, well, that sort of came back to bite us. In retrospect, we should have known they’d be uploading it on their servers. And then there was the deal with North Korea that fell through.
What deal with North Korea?
There was talk of utilizing SalesLogix to track the sales of nuclear technology and other embargo breaking goods between Pyongyang and the various rogue states and outlaw groups that make up their customer base, but the deal died at the last minute. The contract was signed, but Kim Jong-un’s check bounced. Let this be a lesson to you: when somebody hands you a check and says, “Don’t worry, my dead father and grandfather are good for it!”, it’s not going to end well.
What’s it like in Lichtenstein?
Since we never leave the office, it’s really hard to say.
What do you mean “never leave the office?” You guys close down every day at the same time.
The queues shut down automatically, and then we’re herded back to our cells once everybody is logged out of the system. The shock collars make sure we can’t bolt between the phones and the basement.
But you have people who are out sick or take vacation time!
“Out sick” is a colorful euphemism for vigorous “enhanced training sessions” with our head trainer. “Vacation time” is much the same as being “out sick,” but the sessions are spaced out over a longer period.
What do you mean by “enhanced training sessions?”
It’s a complex blend of hypnogogic indoctrination, aversion conditioning, sleep deprivation, and general beatings overseen by The Romanian Hammer, our head trainer.
The Romanian Hammer?!
It’s generally unwise to question her, and she herself doesn’t much care for that name. Unfortunately, it’s a mouthful to constantly address her as “Mistress of Agonized Discipline & Lady of Pain and Metrics” as she prefers. She says she came from Vatra Dornei in Romania. She once showed us a picture of herself, taken back during the early days of the Ceausescu regime. The creepy thing is that she doesn’t look like she’s aged a day.
Is she really that bad?
Let me put it this way: you know those “health problems” that Benedict XVI cited as his reason for retirement? How do you think he got them?
How can you work like that?!
It’s not so bad. We at least get three servings of gruel per day. The developers have it worse. Nothing but IV fluids for those guys. I’m pretty sure they haven’t seen daylight in years. When we moved over to Lichtenstein, they were packed in crates marked “Fragile.”